Category Archives: Relationships

Unaware of Racism, Naïve Janelle Monae Believes ‘Love,’ Fans, & Money are Most Important

By Walter L. Hilliard III –

Why is it that Black people can accommodate any other group or belief but the belief in Blackness or Black Unity?  It’s probably because Blackness often causes fear in the minds and hearts of the White mainstream.  In fact, many even laugh about two Blacks talking at the water fountain appearing to be a gang meeting to White folks, but there’s more truth to it than not – and that’s sad.

Black Men Becoming Extinct, Must Be Saved

Black men have fought in wars, risked their lives for their families, raised their children, and been leaders – even president of the United States, although President Obama has more in common with White male Ivy League liberals than most Black men.

Actually, President Obama doesn’t have much to say on behalf of Black men, unless he’s telling us to be better fathers.  “[African American fathers] have abandoned their responsibilities, acting like boys instead of men,” Obama wrongly stated (unless he meant that most don’t live with the mother and child), contradicting a 2007 study by Boston College social psychologist Rebekah Levine Coley.  Her study, as well as others, found that Black men not living with their children were more likely to visit them than any other race or ethnic group of men.

Which is pretty funny to me – yes, funny.   Why?  Because practically every Black man I know, despite their socio-economic status, takes care of his kids, and goes through hell and high water to see his kids when he’s not the custodial parent.

The “Black absentee father” myth is not much different than the “there are no good single Black men” myth that Essence and Oprah like to celebrate from time to time, when they’re trying to speed up the growing tide of Black women running to date and marry men of other races of men.

Go figure?

If you listen to many Black women or the mainstream media, Black men are nothing but deadbeats, womanizers, and strip club-hopping jail birds.

When about seven percent of a population makes up over 50 percent of the prison population (yes, don’t believe the lies that say less), racism is at work – and putting in overtime.

Well, while perusing the Black website circuit, I came across a marine ad that kept popping up every time I clicked over to another page.  This is when something occurred to me: the ridiculousness of Black people encouraging their sons to go serve in the military (actually, it’s a bad idea for anyone, except the rich — it’s time for their sons to serve).  I suppose if a young Black man has no other options after graduating from high school, the military might be a good option for some.  But, in general, with so many of our sons in prison or dying from gun violence due to their associations with drugs, gangs the accompanying crimes, and their being targeted by the criminal justice system, we cannot afford to put the rest of our young Black men in harms way; they already have to worry about the police killing them.  There is no need for it and we let our politicians, as usual, convince us that we need to go to war on a regular basis, at least once every decade, so we end up destroying other country’s infrastructures, killing thousands (some estimates say over 100,000 of Iraq’s people died by the time the U.S. military was done doing their “job,”  and causing thousands of our own young men to die.

In the case of Black men being targeted by the criminal justice system, being the last hired and first fired, dying younger from health issues, and being racially profiled in every aspect of life, it’s apparent to me that the government should be declaring Black men, period, no matter what age, an endangered species.  Black men should be receiving a full-ride to college, tuition paid in full, homes, and jobs paying at least $60,000 a year.

But that would be too much like “right” for Americans, of all races, to stomach, despite our free slave labor.

But let’s go a step further:

Every Black man should also be able to attend a monthly meeting in which a room full of Black women will take turns walking up to the front of a room  and give a one minute presentation on why he, Brotha Homey, should date her.  After all the women speak, be it for one to two minutes, Brotha Homey will pick 10 women to date during the coming month, and if he finds one woman he wants to marry, he’ll stop dating.  And if he does marry the woman and she mistreats him, he will be able to divorce her within in a month of filing for divorce.

. . . And then I woke up!

But, really, Black women are doing pretty good these days; they’re attending college in greater numbers than Black men, buying houses, enjoying being glorified by the Tyler Perry’s of the world, and even raving about dating and marrying White guys now.

In fact, many Black female writers on television, on blogs and websites ignore Black men in their writings and discussions and feel that they have no use for them.  I mean, some Black women are so insane that they even act afraid of Black men they don’t know.  And you thought White women do the purse clutching, head-turning, and dodging when they see a Black man approaching.  Think I’m playing, watch them – doesn’t matter if you have a suit on or a baseball hat.  Too many of them have bought into the mainstream character assassination of the Black man.

You see it on their faces, most of them are angry and dismissive.  The problem is, however, their anger is nothing more than a result of, mainly, their poor dating choices.

So the world needs to find another pastime, other than bashing Black men.  The bottom line is that there’s a Racism problem going on here and Black men are the target because they are still the most feared human beings (and, yes, we are human beings, despite what many say) on the planet.  Maybe someone needs to remind the cavalcade of Black women running to the White guys of this.

You know, we are still their brothers, uncles, grandfathers, fathers, and sons.

Should Kardashian Sistahs Get Some ‘Love’ For Having A Brotha’s Back?

I was recently drawn to a picture of the Kardashian Family on a major website.  And even though it’s 2011 it was unusual to see a Black face, Lamar Odom (Los Angeles Lakers), among such a high profile White family — even though he’s famous among basketball fans.

(For those of you who may not know, Odom married Khloe Kardashian not long ago.)

Of course the family picture is beautiful, but I never hear the mainstream media talk about the diverse-minded attitudes of the women in the Kardashian family, particularly Kim and Khloe, both of whom have dated and married Black men.  It’s not unusual for Blacks to accept Whites into their families – we’ve done so throughout history, for the most part, so the Black angle wouldn’t really be a significant media story.

“I could be boning a White guy in the middle of the street, and they [the media] wouldn’t say anything.”

This is what a frustrated Kim Kardashian told her sister during a recent show after reading media rumors that followed her showing her soon-to-be opened NY store to friend Kanye West.  All he did was run over and check things out after she called him.  Obviously, Kim’s well aware of the media’s racism and infatuation with Black-White romance and/or sex.   Thus, it appears that Miss Kim has had enough of the — let’s be brutally honest —  “N*#%@# Lover” media report insinuations and upcoming show highlights reveal her dating practically all White men.

This is still America, and if you don’t believe we’re a racist country, look at the Tea Party signs on television.   Look at how Hollywood still has a Whiteout going when it comes to minority actors and shows.  And the list goes on and on.

Now, let’s be real, Black women might have an issue or two with any praising of Kim and Khloe for being diversity role models because many of the sistahs didn’t even like Reggie Bush, Kim’s ex-boyfriend, being put on the cover of Essence Magazine awhile back.  And quiet as kept, many sistahs are livid about Odom, and any wealthy Black man, taking their wealth into a White marriage.

Nonetheless, it really must be difficult for a high profile White female in America to date a Black man?  Yet the question has to be asked: would Kim or Khloe date an “average” Black man?

I’m not quite sure?  But I believe Kim got married at 19 to a brother, music producer Damian Thomas.  He was 29 and they divorced when she was 23.  If they didn’t date or like Black men before they were famous, I’d doubt they’d do so now with the world’s microscope hovering over them on television?  Neither Kardashian sister needs any man’s money.

For 400 years Black folks have known what it’s like to be discriminated against and we’ve always accepted those from other races into our families, so why should we view the Kardashian sistahs any differently.

I say we open the door and welcome the Kardashian girl’s on into our home.

Poppa Tiger Was a Rollin’ Stone

By Walter L. Hilliard III

Tiger Wood’s and his wife, Elin Nordegren, have finally settled their divorce proceedings, but the amount of money she will receive will not be disclosed.

After months of trying to reconcile, the couple announced statements that were very cordial.  And life goes on.

I suppose Nordegren was thinking why spend the rest of her life with a serial cheater when you can “get paid” and move on?  Even though she was going to become independently wealthy, she didn’t try to hang on for the prestige and power that comes with staying married to an icon, following Tiger around on  golf greens.

Nonetheless, Nordegren does seems to be catching on quickly to the “celebrity thing,” as one could conclude from the fact that she has already done an interview with People Magazine, which sold about 2 million copies because of her (sales usually 1.4 million).

A lot of NBA and Baseball “groupie hoochies” could learn a thing or two from Nordegren, who was actually the nanny of Tiger’s friend at one time.  She definitely knows how to catch a playa and get paid in full.

Lately, Tiger hasn’t been performing well at golf, and one can safely assume it’s because there is no longer a good woman behind this great man –- I mean, golfer.

And I know Black women are tripping about all that money going to Blondie.   But, really, they were never in that game; I don’t even recall a sistah ever even interviewing him.  He won’t even let ’em get that close.

Actually, I think Tiger is scared of Black girls.

Still, I say, “Come on home, Tiger.  Stop denying your Blackness –-  Black folks will take you back; we’re forgiving to a fault.”

I’m sure he’s thinking my suggestion through.

Omarosa: I Know A Hoochie When I See One

SHE'S BACK! Omarosa seeks a hubby on "The Ultimate Merger."

 

Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth, formerly the Queen of Mean on “The Apprentice,” just finished up her Donald Trump produced “The Ultimate Merger” (on TV One), where she was courted by 12 male suitors over several weeks.

Now we all know that Omarosa is the epitome of one being self-important, never passing up an opportunity to tell anyone who would listen that  she once worked in the White House.  But during some of the shows I watched, this upscale hoochie repeatedly acted like a lady one moment, and a Wild Banshee in heat the next, as if she was puttin’ it down at “The Players Club”:  “Don’t stop!   Git it, git it!  Drop dat booty – know you wit’ it!”

I enjoyed the show for its entertainment value, and I do think Omarosa is a sexy, attractive piece of chocolate, but ‘s obvious covers up her inadequacies with a superiority complex.

Omarosa ultimately whittled her list of potential suitors down to only one man, the winner, Ray Lavendar, the singing, married bad boy.  Yes, Ms. Looking for Love sent all the other single men packing and cried in the hallway over Lavendar like a 16-year-old school girl, desiring the man she knew she could never have.

Her behavior is the same as a lot of successful and unsuccessful Black women who also like to chase bad boys or married bad boys –- all while draped in a Christianity Cape, under the illusion that their “better” than other women.

But Omarosa’s peculiar insanity was also evident in how she constantly glorified her visiting pastor (a judge on the show), who slobbered all over her like she was a big ol’ helping of sweet potatoes and fried pork chops.  Pastor “please gimme some of dat” couldn’t take his eyes off of her.  And I loved how she kept referring to him as her ‘spiritual adviser.’”

Imagine that?  When she finally gets a husband, I’d like to be a fly on the wall when she tells him, “Honey, I’ll be back in a few — I’m going to see Pastor ‘Please Gimme Some’ . . . uhhh, I mean, I’m going to see my ‘spiritual adviser.'”

In reality, Omarosa’s that chick that sits up in front of the church with the tight skirt, crossing and uncrossing her legs, in full view of the pastor.

While running one prospect’s contract through the paper shredder at the end of one elimination round, Omarosa looked at him and said, “I’m in the ministry, and I cannot proceed with this merger in good conscience.”  Yet, this is the same Holy Woman that had Karrine Steffans, better known as “Super Head,” on the show, calling her one of her best friends.  Most know Steffans from her having written two books about how she “did” half the rap industry some years ago, and was passed around like a joint.

But what I kept thinking was, “Hmmmm, now what in the world would these two have in common?”

“Don’t stop!  Git it!  Git it! . . . .”   They’re freaks.   (And that’s not necessarily a bad thing.  But don’t perpetrate.)

A quick message to the “My man gotta be a Christian” sistahs out there: if you’re going to act “holier than thou,” carry your bible around, and beat men over the head with bible quotes, then don’t be a hypocrite and act like you cannot date or marry certain men because they’re not a Christian or don’t go to church on a regular basis.  The only one really buying the “holier than thou” charade is you.   Believe it – sane men and women see it coming from a mile away.

The problem with Omarosa and her “species of women” is they practically always have more than a few skeletons in the closet, and just found a new way –- by wrapping themselves “in Jesus name” –- to pimp a different game, the superiority game.  But behind the superior attitudes are usually feelings of inferiority because these women were often made to feel “low” in their past hoochie life — but now they seem to be seeking some type of revenge on men, in general.

Additionally, Omarosa has gold-digger tendencies and any relationship she has with someone who’s not rich and/or famous, or who cannot “pimp the word,” will not last.  It’s all about the “show” with her.

Ultimately, Omarosa didn’t select a winner because, like all of the other “searching for love” shows,  she and Trump are looking to do an “Ultimate Merger II,” just like Ray J, Flavor Flav, Bret Michaels, and all the rest did.  And the TV love show thing is never sincere, because you cannot find love on TV when everyone is just a wannabe actor or actress looking for their first or another 15 minutes of fame.

Just remember: be you and do you — but don’t be fake.

10 Things You Can Do To Improve Your Relationship.

What is it that sometimes comes and goes like the wind, and other times, no matter how hard you try, you just can’t seem to hold onto it long enough, or you can’t get out of it fast enough?

Well, if you said relationships, you’re correct.  And your prize is in the mail.

Not long ago, while working as a marriage education facilitator, I discovered that couples – married and unmarried – can greatly improve their relationships by frequently practicing a couple of basic tips.

But these tips are only beneficial if you’re really serious about improving your relationship.

Remember that when you work on changing yourself, others may decide to change, too.

  1. Listen, Listen, Listen! I know it’s hard, but when you’re arguing with your mate, don’t focus on what you’ll simply say next.  Just listen.  By zipping your lips, you’ll “flip the script.”
  2. Compromise. Love is give and take.  What difference is there between you and a child if you have to have your way all of the time?
  3. No Name-Calling. Never!  Never!  Never!
  4. Write a Note. Write and leave your mate a note explaining how you feel about a devisive issue.  This is also a good technique to use if you and your mate cannot seem to stop arguing.
  5. Set Aside Discussion Time. Set aside some time each week when you and your mate can discuss relationship problems.
  6. Try a Mirroring Technique. Repeat back to your mate, everything he or she says, in your own words. You want to let your mate know that you’re listening.  This will provide the platform for a “safe” discussion about your relationship issues.
  7. Do Things Together. You and your mate must spend time together, participating in activities that you both love.
  8. Get a Life. Besides having things that you do with your mate, you must also have time to do things apart from your mate.  Whether it’s visiting friends or just playing basketball with your buddies once a week, you have to spend some time apart.  This renews your energy and increases your appreciation for your partner when you come back together.
  9. Look Into the Mirror. When you and your mate have an argument or a problem, ask yourself:  “What role do I play in this problem situation?”  Stop pointing the finger at your mate all the time.
  10. Improve Your “Self.” Always strive to improve yourself mentally, physically, spiritually, and emotionally.  Take time out to enjoy your hobbies.  If you spend more time on improving yourself, you’ll spend less time worrying about your mate’s shortcomings.

Ten Things Every Black Woman Should Know (Excerpt From My Book: “The Black Wake-Up Call”)

By Walter L. Hilliard III. 1. YOU’RE A ROLE MODEL. Know that you are truly Queens and the backbone of all civilization, not just Black Civilization.  Modern human beings evolve from an African Eve.  Look it up.  If it weren’t for the strength of Black women, Black people would not have survived slavery and be here today.  Just look around and see how you, Black women, still hold the Black family and the Black community together.  When our young brothas are getting locked up and our older brothas are still acting like boys, there’s always a Black woman “holdin’ it down” – and the “it” is anything and everything you can think of.  So remember, the kids are watching, especially your daughters; teach them well.

–  Is being a role model important to you?  Why or why not?  Do you have the courage to give up what’s not good for you to become the Queen you are?

Remember that it’s sometimes easier for us to remain insignificant, voiceless, and immersed in our own bad habits because there is a payoff – we’re comfortable.  Being a role model is not about being perfect, it’s about working hard and demanding excellence.  Besides, what’s the alternative?

2. STOP BABYING YOUR MEN AND YOUR SONS. All you’re doing when you hide your inadequacies behind being a grown man’s caretaker is creating a relationship immersed in insanity.  This insanity is often hardly noticeable, but powerful, and will not allow you to seriously pursue your full potential, nor will your mate and son be the best they can be.  Grown men who act like big babies and young men who act like babies are not cool or cute.  Make your man help around the house and teach your son to cook and take care of himself.  Demand that your man treats you well and your sons treat women well.

–  Who is the last man you babied?  How did you baby him?  Why did you baby him?

Remember the world “takes no prisoners” when it comes to Black people who can’t do what they need to do to be who they need to be.  Your Black skin is an issue for some people as soon as you walk through the door.  But if “you” let your race be an issue for you, allowing it to be an excuse for you not demanding that your boys be men and your men be Real Men – then you are part of the problem, not the solution when it comes to the Black community’s striving to overcome our obstacles.

3. ADJUST YOUR “ATTITUDE.” We all know that the American Black woman’s head-bobbing, finger-snapping, and tell-it-like-it is persona is known throughout the world, but Life is not a “Waiting to Exhale Movie” and being more concerned with being right instead of being fair, bearable, and approachable – no matter what the circumstances – does not lead to a life of true happiness.  Too many Black women believe they are professional critics, able to cut someone down in the blink of an eye.  And being one who speaks your mind is fine . . . if your mind is sane.  You have to constantly examine your “mistaken certainties” – the things you’re certain about but are mistaken – to be of clear mind.

–  What are you usually negative about?  Why?  How can you improve your attitude?

Remember negativity is a self-fulfilling prophecy; if you expect the worst, you will experience the worst.

4. Take Off Your Helmet, Shoulder Pads, And Cleats And Leave The “There Are No Good Black Men (Or They’re All Married)” Game For Good. This includes “All the Good Black men are dogs, not working, etc.” versions as well.  When you indulge in “Black man bashing” you are bashing yourself because you are bashing your father, your sons, your brothers, your uncles, and your grandfathers.  You are Black – and you’re connected to your Blackness through your people, through all Black people.

–  Do you like Black men, in general?  Why or why not (be honest; think about your views on Black men, particularly relationships you’ve had with Black men)?  How do you treat Black men, especially those you don’t know well, when they approach you?

Remember that there are many people in society that want you to give up on

Black men because others are threatened by their strength and intelligence.

“They” want you, Black woman, to put him down so they can stand on both of

you and feel better about themselves.  Besides, who better to hear you out after

that long, hard day at work at a job that wants you to remember that you are

Black, and therefore less than?  You are not a statistic; it only takes one Black

man to make a difference in your love life.  The only shortage is in your mind.

5. Never, Ever Step Back Or Step Off When Someone Is Attacking You Or The Black Community Or Our Image, Beauty, Intelligence, Or Work Ethic. Whether you’re the only Black person in a meeting at work and someone put’s “us” down or someone Black you know is being discriminated against – step up, step out and “speak on it.”  One thing you’ll learn about life, if you don’t already know, is “kissing up” to people, especially the Mainstream, never works eventually.  People know when you’re “kissing up” and when you’re Black, it’s even more despicable.  No one respects those who don’t respect themselves, so fight when you must, but be professional.  Those that will do you harm are less inclined to mess with you if they fear you more so than if the like you so don’t worry about being liked.

–  What would you do if you’re around someone who says something you suspect is racist or derogatory towards Black people?

Remember you are the embodiment of Blackness, like it or not, no matter where you are.  You cannot ignore your responsibility to the Black community.  What if Martin or Malcolm or Rosa Parks had worried only about themselves and said to hell with Black people?  Where would the rest of us be?

6. YOU GET WHAT YOU PAY FOR.  If you buy bad shoes, don’t be surprised if they don’t last (and the sistahs talk about you).  If you lay down like a doormat, some men will walk all over you.  Take responsibility for your choices.  If a brotha’s not working, seems to not mind going in and out of jail, or if he’s a womanizer – your choice to welcome him into your life says as much about you as it does about him.  Whenever you meet any man, the question is not so much where he’s been, or necessarily where he’s at, it’s where he’s going that’s most important.  He must have goals and he must be working on achieving them (and the brotha betta have a car; you cannot be with a brotha that has a bus pass).

–  Have you ever let a Black man walk all over you or misuse and abuse you?  Why or why not?  Have you put into practice what you’ve learned, or do you keep making the same mistakes?

Remember a relationship is about teamwork.  Instead of you and your man looking at one another and complaining about what you don’t like – come together, bond, and look outward at the world, and go conquer it as a team.

7. UNDERSTAND THE CONCEPT OF CHARACTER VERSUS REPUTATION. Worry about what you think of you – character – not what others think of you – your reputation.  Black people feel so insignificant so much of the time that we over compensate and get caught up in an adult version of peer pressure, going along with the crowd, trying to be popular or “fit in to get in”, and so on.  Although not all bad, our fraternities and sororities are often breeding grounds for elitist behavior.  Spike Lee’s “School Daze” is probably much truer than we care to admit.

–  What do you love most about you, the person?

Remember that there has never been, nor will there ever be, anyone like you.  You are an artist and you have an opportunity to paint the most powerful, beautiful life ever.  Do not disappoint yourself or the world.

8. KNOW THAT THINGS WILL NOT GET BETTER IN YOUR LIFE UNTIL YOU “DO” BETTER. Most Black women, as well as Black men, are struggling on some emotional level and/or in some area of their lives.  When the larger society is facing hard times, our hard times are two and three times worse. But you cannot feel sorry for yourself and pray that GOD will save you.  HE will provide you with the means to save yourself.  You have to practice the habit of picking yourself up and doing what needs to be done to take care of you and yours, or to be successful, period.  Life demands that you literally reach into your experiences and make something out of yourself.  No one’s going to give you anything.  And if you let others do it for you, they’ll do it to you.

–  What could you be doing a better job of in your life?  When are you going to start?

Remember to have faith that things will get better, but remember  “trying is and excuse for not doing.” Can you please repeat that?  Again?  Now, one more time?  And make sure you teach this to your children and the men in your life.

9. FIND A WAY TO MAKE PEACE WITH THE SISTAHS. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve heard Black women, young and old, say that they don’t like other Black women or they don’t have any or many women friends.  Not including a close friend or a couple of close friends, a lot of Black women hate Black women.  They think other Black women are bitchy or catty, sneaky, or just plain crazy.  White women have many of these issues, too, but their angst is nothing like that of Black women’s.

–  Do Black women, in general, get on your nerves?  Why or why not?  What is it about you that you suspect may bother other Black women or cause them to dislike you?

Remember the sistah you’re hating on may have been traumatized or experienced as much negativity as you have in her life.  But you need her as much as she needs you.  If you can’t help a sistah out then what is your life really about?

10. BE AMBITIOUS. If you’re a Black woman, especially when considering how hard life is for Black people, in general, and you’re not working hard towards “being somebody,” mentally, emotionally, financially, spiritually, etc. – then you’re not really living.  You’re not helping your family or the Black community be the best it can be.

–  What do you want others to say about you when you’re gone or have entered the spiritual world?  Are you currently living the type of life that reflects what you want others to say about you?  Why or why not?

Remember you will not get out of this life alive.  Take a look in the mirror and ask yourself if you’ve come to accept a live of mediocrity.  You should control Life; Life should not control you.